Hi! I'm Caity....and I HATE getting my photo taken.....But, can I take photos of you in your undies?
Alright, I said it.
I 100% absolutely detest, dislike, despise and all in all HATE getting my photo taken.
”Oh but you have such GREAT hair!”
”But you’re so little and skinny and pretty!”
”But you have such a great smile!”
Yeah…. Those compliments, while appreciated, don’t really help.
Because what’s outside isn’t exactly whats going on inside….
Because, despite being a photographer, I still have a “Chandler Smile” and have NO IDEA what to do with my hands…
Because, I still have no idea how to pose my face in a way that looks “Natural” and “Real”….
Mostly, I THINK I just look chubby, unpolished, and awkward….. and a little “Fake”….
and today, I had headshots taken.
Seriously, for the fist time since my senior year of high school, I paid someone to take photos of JUST me. It may have been a quick session by the AMAZING Trey Tucker, but it was a session all just for me. I had total control over my hair and makeup, I had control over my wardrobe….it was all JUST. FOR. ME and it actually felt….good.
Photos by Trey Tucker
Seriously…. for years I’ve struggled with body image issues. I was told things like
“oh you’ll battle your weight your whole life”
“You’ve always had problem skin and you always will….just do your best with it”
“you’re cute….but you’re not XXXXX cute”
“it’s so hard to see that beauty when you look like a homeless person”
“you’re such a Pudgy Pigeon”.
….literally, one of my nicknames growing up was “Pudgy Pigeon”.
Whenever I would bring up how much comments like that would hurt me, the response I would get would not always be a good one. One that frequently comes to mind is:
“What are you talking about? I tell you you’re beautiful ALL the time.”
Yeah….. it was more along the lines of “You’re beautiful…..but…..”
Cue Eyeroll here
Since I had no confidence…… I gravitated toward some pretty toxic people. I have no idea why…. I guess it’s because they seemed to posses the confidence I was chasing. They would be SO genuine and SO nice to me, they would want to hear about all of my struggles and tell me things I wanted to hear.
I would want to keep them close and I would want to feel what they must’ve felt on a daily basis. I sometimes kick myself at how naive and trusting I was…but in so many cases, I honestly didn’t know better. These were people I was expected to respect and admire….these were people who’s example I was supposed to follow…. In my head, I held them in the highest regard…..
I was so insecure I wouldn’t notice just how manipulative and controlling these people were. I wouldn’t recognize their bullying until I realized I was no longer laughing when they were…. Since I held them in the highest regard, I would seriously feel the need to pull them back to me, a need to impress them or prove myself to them that was almost compulsive. It would turn into a situation where I no longer lived for my own expectations
I lived for theirs
All while I was desperately trying to cling to obviously toxic people:
I was told I was tough to be around
I was told I was too much
I was told my energy needed to be held back
I was told I was a disappointment
I was told that I needed to be seen and not heard
I was told I was not worth the oxygen I breathed
I started feeling like all of those comments about me were the absolute gospel truth. There was nothing positive about me…and to sum everything up I had no talent, I had no beauty, I had nothing to be confident about.
The Crazy thing was….I did have close friends, I was a member of a church, I had a network of close, professional friends…. And whenever I did open up to people….even positive wonderful people I was SUPER close to….they would say things like:
“I had no idea you were going through this! You always seem so happy, you can’t be DEPRESSED!”
I mean, that **is** a pretty typical response.
I honestly looked my damn best during my darkest periods. Why? Because I felt like my appearance was the only thing I could control.
I was in marathon training running 45-60 miles per week, I wore a size FREAKIN’ ZERO, worked out 5 days a week, got my hair done every 12 weeks….You seriously could. NOT. tell I had a ball of anxiety twining up inside of myself…..
BUT: controlling my outward appearance also meant picking at every zit, bug bite, and ingrown hair that showed up….controlling my outward appearance meant showing it off and staying out too late making bad decisions…. it meant if I skipped the gym for a day, I needed to keep HOW FAT I thought I was covered up with baggy, loose fitting tunics….
For awhile, I got SO GOOD and covering up the fact I was depressed….. I felt like I did have it under control. But, a neglected issue can become a pretty big problem over the course of time…. It took awhile, but I let the darkness that I felt about myself show on the outside.
I stopped getting my hair done and let the blondish shag grow to epic proportions…..I stopped caring about how I dressed and wore the same clothes for days on end…. I stopped working out…. I stopped caring about the food I put in my body… I stopped caring about showering every day……I think at one point, I didn’t brush my teeth for a week.
I just stopped.
Oh man, you should’ve seen that big haired, broken (yup, BROKEN) glasses wearing, scabs on my FACE, elastic waistband pants (because I could **NOT** zip up my largest sized jeans) wearing…. OH MY GOD person I was……
Inside was chaos. I was unintentionally lashing out at folks I loved, getting angry at them for the tiniest of reasons. I couldn’t control my emotions…I would be totally fine, then see a meme, and ad, or have a memory about about SOMETHING and bawl my eyes out for hours on end…..
Overtime, I started to alienate myself from friends and family because, well, who wants to hang around with a smelly person in dirty clothes that’s just going to look at only all the negative things and get upset at the tiniest thing. Then I would oddly feel abandoned because NO ONE would want to talk to me.
It was literally because I COULD NOT LOVE MYSELF and I had NO idea how to set myself on the right path.
I’m going to tell you, there’s no magic moment. There really wasn’t a lightbulb clicked on….I didn’t suddenly “get it” and start loving myself.
Healing. Takes. Time….
But there was a moment where I decided I needed to start….. “Coming out of the Fog”.
It was when I went to try on wedding dresses for the first time. I was surrounded by women who I knew cared about me, supported me, and loved me. And in the crowd; there were some who had instigated some of my darkness. I was so nervous about how I would look in these gowns, but the second I felt that zipper close and saw myself in the mirror…. I saw myself as someone who’s on the edge of a massive transition.
and it’s absolutely evident in the very first photos taken of me wearing MY wedding dress….. you can see the faces of the folks who love me….and in the folks who once made me feel like I would never get to that point.
Even better, I proudly paid for my OWN wedding gown.
I’m still coming out of the Fog.
Each Day is still a struggle….
It’s been almost a year since one of the biggest tormenters in my life abruptly exited. It’s been a year since I’ve been without their expectations….. I’ve been without their day to day routine for me….I’ve been without them scrutinizing every damm thing I did…..
And that feeling started to pour over… I stopped listening to people who doubt me, people who use petty insults to hurt me, I’ve stood up to people who’ve tried to “shame me” or put me in my place…..stopped taking crap from people laying down.
Why? Because I’m DONE feeling like unaccomplished, unmitigated crap for no other reason besides….Someone ELSE thinks I should. I’m DONE feeling like I can’t be my silly, big haired, big smiled, big cheeked self…because someone ELSE thinks I’m “Too Much”. I’m FINISHED letting others control how I feel about myself.
So, it was time to face the camera lens. It was time for someone else to document the bubbly, energetic, big haired, glasses wearing, Chewey Suit wearing, big smiled, round cheeked weirdo I am.
And I’m pretty damn happy about it.
This is a HUGE reason why I decided to start pursing something I haven’t quite done much of before…..
As I’ve been coming out of the Fog, I realized I have this talent of making other women NOT feel the way I did.
I could make them feel the way I always wanted to feel.
I had held so many clients hands when they weren’t feeling 100% about themselves. Nervous new brides getting professional portraits done for the first time get REALLY intimidated by the camera….. as I was struggling and thinking to myself “You’re not good enough”….. I was telling so many women from so many walks of life how amazing they looked and how I was enamored with how much confidence was coming out of them.
It felt amazing to see their smile erupt and their confidence shine once they realized they had this ally who was going to do nothing but remind them how beautiful they were.
I wanted that feeling SO BADLY!
I love making women feel empowered, emboldened, beautiful, and worthwhile. It’s one of my favorite things about bridal sessions and personal portrait sessions…even mommy and me sessions. I always want a woman to walk away from one of my sessions feeling amazing!
That being said…. Can I take pictures of you in your undies???
Yup, I’m offering Boudoir and Glam Sessions!
Plenty of you have seen my Facebook page and have seen the STELLAR Boudoir giveaway I’m doing right now…. I’m in the process of finalizing my selection and I will be letting the winners know this week! BUT…. that doesn’t mean you missed the opportunity for something thats going to make you feel as amazing as I’m starting to feel…. It doesn’t mean you missed the opportunity to be empowered and feel sexy.
Some samples of personal portrait and glam sessions I’ve done in the last year <3
To celebrate all of you amazing ladies out there, I am offering $99 Boudoir and Glam Sessions!
These sessions will include:
1 Hour Complementary Shoot
Professional Hairstyling Professional Makeup
Same day viewing of your images
$100 Credit toward your product purchases
You guys, I really want the opportunity to share this beautyFULL (as a couple of my favorites on insta would say….I’m talking about you Daniel and Layla) feeling with other women. I really want an opportunity to make you feel as empowered and confident as I do!
I want to SPREAD THIS LOVE around!
I let my guard down and had someone else take photos of me….pure, raw, photos of me just for me. I was in front of a lens for 15 minutes with my clothes ON….. and it felt amazing.
Give me a shot to let you feel this amazing, too!
-
Coming up:
#Nutz4SlutzWedding update -> To San Francisco We Go! We’re needing to finalize some plans for our big day…and we’ve got some amazing friends joining us along the way! We’re going to be sharing this spectacular trip with y’all complete with recommendations, adventures, and silliness!
**UPDATE: As of this writing, we are going to be visiting:
Tartine Manufactory
Butter Love Bakeshop
The San Francisco Brewing Co.
Foreign Cinema
China Live Market
Mozzeria Pizza
Tonga Room
Galentines Soiree with @Parties By Perez!
I’m the Boudoir partner for this SPECTACULAR Events Benefitting Safeplace Austin; a campus based prevention and intervention service that provides safety for individuals and families affected by domestic violence, sexual assault and exploitation. Click the link above to grab your ticket
Choosing your wedding photographer: Ladies, I’m a bride, too, and I KNOW it’s SO EASY to get swayed by some fantastic deals from some photographers. There are SO MANY talented individuals out there, it is tough to choose that one perfect photographer for your special day….even for me! I’m going to walk you through my process of how I chose my photographer and what I was looking for in my search!
Thanks a WHOLE bunch for staying loyal fans! I’m SO thankful for ALL of you and I can’t wait to share more!
